Ganyu Dead


(A satire)

Have you ever wanted to commit fraud, perchance? No? What about the really funny kind? Maybe, oh, I don't know, insurance fraud? Really? Not even life insurance fraud? Let us not kid ourselves any longer. We should start by admitting that the act of life insurance fraud is quite a hilarious deed. I know we can all agree on that. There are just so many joys that come from it: seeing the shock on the insurer's face poorly masked behind their thinly veiled charade of sadness, watching their hand tremble as they write your check's amount out one number at time, predicting that this financial blunder, this unexpected lump sum snatched from their clutches and back into your rightful hands, will set them back on hard times- times so hard that they will contemplate if they should pay for the travel expenses to get to work to earn back at least a bit of their precious savings, or to feed their children going on their third day without a proper meal, and finally, the biggest joy of all of life insurance insurance fraud, knowing for a fact, without a shadow of a doubt, that they will chose to go to work, not realizing that their kids would go to such drastic measures to fulfill their hunger as to begin consuming anything that seems edible around the house- including, but not limited to, the rat poison their parent's left under the stove not that long ago causing their insides to slowly rot away leaving them to slowly die alone only with each other and the dead rats who had eaten some before as company leaving you with the supreme satisfaction knowing that ,since their mother has already gone through menopause, it is certain that there will be one less generation of greedy, beady-eyed, worthless little ... ahem... I apologize, I had gotten a bit off track there.

I just get so carried away when thinking about the many wonders that come from the amazing song and dance of life insurance fraud. So, you've finally came around to my side then, huh? I knew you would eventually. You love the idea of insurance fraud now that I showed all the good things about it. You are almost bursting at the seams with laughter thinking about how, after the insurer's family was already in shambles from the financial losses they had due to your fraud, they had to go and buy expensive custom made child-sized coffins. It's so funny, right? WRONG! You maniac. You absolute psychopath. Just the thought alone of those topics tells me that you are quite the sick and twisted little individual. If I could spit through the computer screen I would absolutely do so right about now. Right onto your new shiny shoes. Of course, insurance fraud, especially life insurance fraud, is a horrible, despicable thing to do. Any monster that even succumbs to even the thought of it should be dragged through the streets by their tongue while being pelted by large scraps of sharp metal (such things are easier to come by than you might think!) However... if I were to commit the ultimate sin of life insurance fraud, say, against my lovely, ever so scrumptious, wife, Ganyu, here is the detailed process of how I would achieve such a thing without even the slightest chance of being caught.


Now, being the loving husband I am, I find it very grueling to think about my wife as a corpse. The imagery of her lifeless body lying on the ground, possibly still a bit warm, perhaps bruised and battered by the method of murder, or worst of all, even missing a limb and having the blood still flowing out of the open wound, is an awful, awful thought that I refuse to indulge in any longer..................... so we will move on! We are all aware the stipulations of life insurance, but to give some clarity to the practice, let me break it down for you. See, when you insure an object, you are basically saying “If something were to happen to this thing, I want to have a backup replacement.” Usually, in the forum of money. Now, life insurance is that same idea, but the aforementioned thing is a human being that longer carries the spark of life. In other words, they are dead. However, not all humans are created equal in the beady little eyes of an insurer. Whether they be bludgeoned, burned, or battered, it matters not the matter of death, or even how much of the body is even left, (although it is much easier to claim your insured amount if there is ample evidence), no, what matters most to the insurer, what generates the most cold hard cash is how much that thing (in this case a living person) is valued. That value can stem from many different evaluations. Variables such as how many assets they own, how much they have in savings, or, and here is the key one we will be focusing on, how much they make in their line of work. See, a wife who is insured to a lowly, say, bubble tea shop employee, who's pay only averages out to about 30k year, give or take, would get a far smaller claim from the death of the love of her life than if her husband did something that was much more worthwhile, and therefore he made money doing.

To put it very bluntly, the more money one makes, the more money their corpse is worth. Which is why, if I were to even hypothetically think about preforming murder onto my dear wife, the life insurance claim would really have to be worth it. Currently, I would value her at one hundred billion trillion dollars, naturally. However, those stingy insurers could never see the true value of her heart. Not the actual organ, as that does have a very clear value of about a million dollars (less on the black market). That sounds like a pretty good lump sum, but in reality, it would run out very quickly and straight murder is much harder to get away with. No, a million dollars it not quite worth it to end the life of my dearly beloved wife. I need more than that. And those sub-human insurers would value her at much less at the moment considering she is a home-body after quitting her job to be good wife- a nice plump young woman still waiting to be impregnated and take care of our lovely child while I am away at work. Because of this, she also has no inherent assets. No stocks, no bonds, not even any crypto currencies. She is a little slow when it comes to money management, but her big bahonka bongas make up for it so I still love her very very much. (In case you are reading this honey, Daddy has a very important surprise waiting outside for you out near the red 'X' on the sidewalk! Why don't you go outside and take a look!).

However, my boundless love for her does not increase the estimated value of her insured corpse. No, for that to happen, she would have to acquire some sort of revenue flow. This is the difficult part, because is it not the ultimate goal of our capitalistic society to gain as much money as humanly possible? For many people (some would argue 99 percent of them) this is very hard, and a lot actually have a negative net worth. And most of them have jobs. A good majority work long, hard tenacious shifts and still can't make ends meet. For someone who is not the sharpest tool in the shed, like my honey-bunches Ganyu, if she were to hop into almost any entry-level career like any other lackey just trying to survive in our society, it would take decades for it to finally be worth it, and after that much time, even that becomes questionable. However, I did say that it would be “almost” all entry-level careers, not “all” entry-level careers... Perhaps do you remember when I mentioned that she has quite the succulent “bahonka bongas?” That fact is undeniably certain. Many people would agree. Many people would jump off a ten story building just to get a passing glance at my wife's large voluptuous milk-makers. A large amount of lonely men would gladly participate in a 100 man hunger-games style battle royal to the death to see her naked melons for a brief time. If I were not already her loyal husband, I know that I would personally disembowel any person that stood in the way of taking what was rightfully mine.

I'm sure you can see what I am starting to hint at by this point. If you want to rake in the crowds, gather the masses, create a true devoted audience willing to do almost anything for you, including giving you ludicrous amounts of money, you have to first appeal to their most primal urges. Food companies do this with fatty-sugary snacks that appease only your selfish taste-buds and the ignorant microbes of your gut. Large pharmaceutical companies and powerful drug cartels survive off of the ability to hack your brain into producing artificial chemicals that make you feel a fleeting false sense of happiness. But should I remind you what the goal ingrained in every single life form on the planet? That ever so prevalent and deep desire to reproduce. To spread your DNA. To, just for a moment, feel the ultimate pleasure of an orgasm. It is the first and foremost goal of every organism from the microscopic to the macroscopic. Humans are such an organism, and no amount of “logical thinking” or “evolution” can truly take that animalistic, that biological, urge away. And let me tell you, my sugarplum wife Ganyu generates that urge forcefully. It is as much an urge to guzzle down a refreshing glass of cold water in the middle of the night as it is the instinctively start gyrating your hips in distinct rhythmic patterns the millisecond your eye's cone-receptors perceive her in your line of sight. That being said, the most easily exploitable human desire is the desire of sex. And Ganyu? She amplifies that desire more than ten fold.

This is the perfect chemically proven storm to gain a very large amount of revenue (or more importantly- a revenue stream) from some very desperate people, or perhaps, people with very little self control. Ultimately, those that are weak are the target. Weak-willed, weak-minded, weak...physically- all who that are weak in one way or many will line up in droves in an attempt to get the faintest hint of goat flavored ambrosia. Now there are many ways to go about establishing this easy revenue stream, but thankfully, due to the rise of the internet, and the normalization of porn as a whole in internet culture, there are some very quick and straightforward ways to begin. Of course there are per-established websites like Only Fans, Fansly, or even Patreon, and any of those would be the route to gain the quickest amount of followers due to their already large install base, but there are very important reasons you might want to take the effort to design your own premium content website.

See, these days, it is very easy to acquire a very large amount of someone's data when they use any website. Thanks to third-party trackers that are available by large corporations such as Facebook, you not only get vital information from your client such as their IP address, but also almost all of their browsing history, what they looked at, and most importantly: where they live. I would put a pin in that fact, and we will revisit why that is important later on. Another big, big plus of creating your own service is that you may also design the payment methods as well. That means you get every single person who signs up for and subscribes to your wife, or anyone on the site's, payment information and personal data that you might not have received from the trackers.

Now, of course, it would be a horrendous idea just to immediately start bank/identity fraud before the life insurance scheme is over. No, you are going to want to hold on to that data. And later, a couple years down the line, you could use that data for yourself, discretely and slowly of course, or, a better idea, set up a false-flag story about a “security breach on your customer databases,” and make a couple extra hundred bucks here and there selling all of the information you have gathered anonymously on the deep web. However, that is all additional funds, not the meat and potatoes of the life insurance fraud as a whole. Really, just a little bonus for all the effort you put into to setting up your own website.

Speaking of which, I know what you're thinking: “Making my own website from scratch? That's ludicrous! I don't even know where to begin!” Well, luckily for you, the same acceleration of internet popularity that allows this business endeavor to be possible similarly makes learning how to make your own website oh so much easier. Sure, it will take time, and it will require a decent amount of effort and man-hours, but let me remind you: this is not to make a just a small amount like a million dollars. No, for it to be worth it the cash reward has to be so much more. I think it is offensive for you to even consider that I would even fantasize about killing my precious wife for such a small amount of money. “So, you spend the time, you expend the energy, you work yourself to the bone creating a well-oiled premium content website, set up in the back-end to gather as much data as possible, now what do you do,” you ask me? I'll tell you. I make Ganyu the most popular little e-whore slut as humanly possible. You don't stop until the majority of the population has paid real life money to see every nude part on her body. This means targeting the widest possible audience. In mass majorities, people are very “vanilla,” as you could say, sexually, so that is ultimately the themeing I would want to achieve for her content page. And yes, as much as it pains me, I would even have to give her special wool a bit of a sheer, as, unfortunately, that is the preferred crotch condition. But you can't just hope and wish that even if she has the best content, Ganyu will become the most successful creator on the site, no that is up for you to guarantee. Luckily, since you have made the the website, you also control the algorithm. You can control exactly how much she appears right in everyone's pathetic, easily-manipulable faces. Ease of access is the best way to get someone to do something, so you are going to shove her bouncy tits and succulent thighs in front of every dim-witted coomer that even makes a passing glace at the any page of your site. But why stop there? You want to gain the maximum amount of money right? You can't just stop at on-site ads. You need a way to advertise your website to the greater communities. Well, who do you think will highlight every single ad? Ding ding! That's right: Ganyu.

Now I don't want to be sitting around for months waiting to the followers to eventually trickle in, no no no, we want a burst that snowballs and grows exponentially. The magic part is that it the revenue stream, or amount of followers, doesn't even have to last long, as long as it is in its peak when the fraud occurs is all that matters. How do you achieve this? By creating a fake scandal of course. Every simple minded idiot loves a drama. It doesn't even matter what it is. I could come up with the most half-baked story about her doing something in the range of yelling at a waiter all the way to committing theft or even murder if you want to get real saucy. Anything will work as long as you spread it around like the plague. Pretend to be an undercover reporter and “leak” it, just be a bystander and record it and post it on online, or send it to any number of drama Youtubers in a Twitter DM, and the world will be all over whatever stupid fantasy you fabricated in a short amount of time. After all, it's true that any publicity is good publicity, and once they see her bent over fucking herself, with her goat juices puddling on the floor, they will never want to leave. Now, none of is real, so there is no way she, or I, can get into any trouble from me orchestrating any horrendous act. Now it's only a brief matter of time until he net worth goes from zero to millions. Finally, making the life insurance fraud truly worth it to even consider.

Of course, it pains me to see others get the same pleasure of seeing my beautiful wife in such a way. But they don't know the real thing. They will never know what it's actually life to fuck her. To taste her. To explore her body, pull on her horns as she lets out a subtle bleat. No, they will never get any of that. But still, it pains me to think about them getting any such pleasure from her body. Fortunately though, I hope you did not forget: I have all of their addresses. Now, I am not making a threat. Do not get me wrong. I mean no harm to anybody... but, I very well could. Perhaps one of her overly enthusiastic fans, one that really pushed my buttons, I very well could end up at his place of residence one night and snuff him out like a candle light with no one being the wiser. Like I said, I wouldn't. Murder just for revenge sake is an awful thing to do. Life insurance fraud is just a awful if you don't make it worth it to balance out the decision. Right. It is not that I would do that some years down the line, it's simply the implications that I very well could. Now, finally, now that we have gone over the steps to make life insurance fraud against my the love of my life, my best friend, and other half worth it, I believe it is time to get into the finer details that relating to the actual act of Uxoricide.


First, before we get into how the murder will be executed, there are some things you might want to do if you were to follow in the same steps that I would take to preform the perfect life insurance fraud. I must ask. Do you perhaps know what leverage trading is? Maybe you might know it as a “short?” No? I figured you wouldn't. Allow me to break it down for you. See, in the stock market, most people only have the “line goes up” ideal. They buy a stock as a reasonably low price, they wait, and in if they are lucky, or what they would think as “smart,” then that company's value will go up, therefore increasing the value of their share which they would then be able to sell off for profit. However, that is only a narrow view of the greater world of investment strategies. Anyways, that one is not important for us at the moment. We need to take the more obscure route. Instead of rooting for a company to do well, we rather root for it to fail. Or, more precisely, make some bets that it will. Lot's of high money bets called “shorts.” You may be wondering, “isn't that just as risky as investing in a company and hoping the stock value goes up?” The answer: yes...usually.

See, there are many ways for a stock to decrease in value. The company could be slowly fading out of relevancy, they could be slacking against a new business rival, or, and listen close because this is the important one- the public loses faith in the company. When the vast majority of the population no longer believes in a company, or, see's that their main product or service is not as good as once perceived, they are very quick to jump ship without giving much of a second thought. This is best done through a defective product. Something that really creates a panic. Something that is an easily digestible news story. Something like finding out about corrupt business practices or office scandals would most likely put a small dent in the stock prices due to those with some solid, albeit misguided, principles in their life deciding to no longer support them. However, the masses do not usually even care the horrors that happen under capitalism. They could see a child jumping from a twenty story building in China and cackle like a hyena. I know that if I was a dim-witted, double digit IQ member of society I would.

Of course, I am more capable of seeing the evil injustice almost every major cooperation inflicts to the average member of any third-world country, so I would never let out a big bellowing belly-laugh at the sight of a worker in Indonesia creating a silicon microchip, and while reaching to take a piece off the convener belt line, accidentally gets his sleeve caught in a nearby machine that then proceeds to suck in his entire left arm in and rips it clean off, causing blood to spray out like a garden hose on max setting leaving him to quickly bleed out on the cold concrete factory floor as his other co-workers pretend not to notice- knowing that, if they even take one second to acknowledge the tragedy that had just occurred, they would be considered to be slacking on the job and subsequently fired leaving them jobless and money-less and unable to feed their family causing their children to starve to death further perpetuating the high infant death rate of the country. No, that type of low-brow humor is left to the underlings of the world, never myself.

But I digress, unfortunately, the best way to get a public uproar against a company is for there to be a simple story about a product failing, something breaking extremely easily, someone getting sick from it, or best of all, someone (or multiple people) dying from it. That last one is the key, and personally the route I would take, and relates back to the leverage trading I mentioned at the start of this step. Instead of buying right before we know a company gains value, you would create a short on a company right before you believe the stock is about to plummet, and it can be very easy to tell when it was going to plummet, if you were the proprietor of said accident that starts the scandal to begin with. This could also be useful if you are wanting to sue any said company, possibly making just as much as you would preforming life insurance fraud, but that would require yet another investigation and personally, I think one relating to my wonderful wife Ganyu's death would already be enough. So while it is an option for anyone to think about while following my satirical, not-intended-for-real-life-use guide, I would choose to not go that route at the time, and stick to the plan of the leverage scam. It is much easier to get away with as long as you can show them it was not slander on your part, then you are free as a bird. Plus, even if the company can run tests and experiments to prove that their products are safe and would never fail, it's already too late. The poor reputation would never leave the public's collective consciousness.

Even if it was proven categorically false on all accounts, people would still take pause every time the had to chose a option to buy, and said once-controversial company was part of the section. The investors would know this, and the stock would stay low for the foreseeable future. However, for the short, that does not even really matter. It is more of just a humorous afterthought. All you need to do to make a successful short is for the stock value to fall to a certain number at one point in time. Speaking of which, It sure would be a shame for a company if their product was the direct result for the death of my cute little piece of goat-ass Ganyu, would it not? Of course you agree that it would be awful. If you said that it wasn't one of the worst acts that could be committed then I would already have your head on a pike, of course, only in self-defense because honestly if you let me say all of this and took it seriously by this point then I believe I would have good legal standing to take your life on the spot due to the serious threat that you posses to me.

They often call it per-meditated attempted murder in court, and that's exactly what I would be able to frame it as after police questioning. You would not be found innocent even with the best lawyer. But do not worry, I see you are building up a sweat. I know that it is simply because it is a hot day out and your AC just had a part go out, did it not? However, just for the sake of coming up with wacky hypotheticals, if it were perhaps due to the fact that you found these ideas unnerving, then you would have nothing to worry about because I know that you would never think I would actually do something like that to you or do anything else I talked about previously. Right? Good. I am glad we are all on the same page here. I now exactly what I would do it we were not. But that is not the case. So all is well.

Anyways, I have been over how to get the best possible outcome in your leverage trading, but what product would I choose to set up the murder? Well, it's simple. A basic rope. Perhaps a rope indented for hiking, or more appropriately, a rope for hoisting large objects. Now, it might be fairly difficult to a company that's primary business model relies on the sales of ropes due to the fact that more and more small companies are being eaten alive every day by large conglomerates leaving only few companies left that still sell only a handful of different goods. Although, the world is very large, and it really doesn't matter how much the company is already worth, all that matters is that you can guarantee that it goes down. Which is why I would find that company, and keep a good eye on it's financial charts until the fraud is complete. I would obviously not place the short right away after formulating the plan, however. See, there is a down side to leverage trading. If you bet on it to lose value, and within a certain period of time it actually gains enough value over what you estimated, all of your investment will be liquidated and it will all be gone with an instant. That's why I would first buy the actual rope and hold on to for a bit.

In the meantime, I would create the premium-service website described in the previous step. Eventually, after Ganyu is at her peak revenue stream, peak amount of pathetic losers paying to masturbate to a TAKEN woman every night, and peak joy, that is the perfect time to snuff her out, and, place the short on the company that made the rope you had purchased. You will want to likely fifty to sixty percent of the money earned from Ganyu's porn escapades on the short to really get your a good return, and make sure to bet that the stock will drop at least twenty percent. It is best not to get too exuberant about your predictions because even though it is best, and what I would likely do, is mention the company by name to every interviewer, private investigator, or bystander that is attempting to learn about the related death, the company may be too obscure for many people to even know they are invested in, so the actual leverage for the bet should be set accordingly. I would stick to maximum twenty-five percent decrease just to be safe and still take in a large amount of cash when it drops that low. You might be wondering at this point why I chose a rope as the prime contented to tank the stocks of a company. Well, that is, of course, related to the plan of actual murder. The climax in the life insurance fraud scheme. Putting the short on the stock is really just a final step in setting up the fall. The next step, logically, is causing the fall. And that actually has two meanings in this scenario. Sure, you have the fall of the rope company's stock, but to understand the other, I must first go over:


To begin, let us cover what we already should know. You do already know this, I know for a fact you are hanging on to every word I say with anticipation and desire to hear more, but just in case something was a bit too complex for you I will give a brief recap and then fill in all the remaining blanks. You remind me of my rather slow, sexy wife Ganyu sometimes, minus the sexy, after all. So we know the plan is details the hypothetical situation in which I commit life insurance fraud. The person who will be insured is my lovely wife goat wife Ganyu. She will be killed, and I and will get a huge payout from the insurer. I would insure that her death would result in a rather large, or more succinctly, very, very, large, amount of money by setting up a premium-content website where she would sell her succulent body online while I manipulate the algorithm to guarantee she will be the largest creator on the site raking in tons of money all while harvesting the information of anyone who creates an account. In the meantime, I will be doing some research into to at least semi-well known companies that who's stock price would be greatly effected by a mass media news story coming out about one of their products being the direct result in a death. The death of Ganyu. A death so gruesome and gory, that not even the detectives or press will want to look at it for long. I would chose a rope as said product. And not long before the act of murder, I would set up a very high leverage short position predicting that the company that creates the rope's stock would fall to very low levels and thus resulting in myself immediately gaining a large amount of money once the story gets out and the stock predicatively dropping to a certain level. That is what we know so far. Now: we will get to why I would chose a rope.

See, when you are attempting to get away with murder, you want to be as inconspicuous as possible. Nothing can be too obvious. Just the act of tying her down in a promise of a kinky sexual act, while in reality, I would maliciously saw off her horns as she screams out in agony and subsequently slowly pierce her through the heart with her own horns watching her quickly die afterwards would be way too obvious. Especially if occurred in our own house, I would be prime suspect numero uno. I would also not want to try to frame anyone for such a gruesome crime, as described before. As funny as it might be to see someone go to jail for a crime they did not commit- the whole legal process looking silly and inconsequential as they proceed to damn an innocent man to life in prison. But that is too risky, and while the thrill would be real, I would want something that does not require a long legal process. That is why an accident would be much easier. Now when orchestrating the accident, it cannot be anything could be seen as an act of murder. Not to any non-conspiratorial people. It cannot be something that could be obviously staged as it would be extremely easy to be called out by someone who has any sneaking suspicions. If they were convincing enough, and someone got a good enough attorney, the jig would be up quick. Something like her “accidentally” falling down a long flight of brick stairs while she slams her head into every other step, eviscerating her veins and splattering her blood across the cold walls would be way too obvious. Not just due to the fact that a weaker man, an actual cold-blooded killer that revels in such violent endeavors that would actually consider doing this in real life and not just in a thought experiment such as this, would not be able to hold in his immense laughter that grew louder after each consecutive step she fell growing in decibels all the way to the very end where her body lay lifeless. No, not just because of that fact, but also because this scenario has already been played out multiple times and been put into the zeitgeist.

Have you ever heard of Michel Peterson by chance? No? Allow me to explain, as it is a fairly simple, yet quite tragic tale. Michel was a normal man, with a normal wife. One day, his wife fell down the stair in front of him (a rather humerus sight for sick individuals) and died in the aftermath. He was taken to court and prosecuted as the murderer, but don't get me wrong, he was not found guilty as there basically zero evidence that he was the one that caused her fatal fall. However, even though he got out of all charges, the government did not give up so easily. See, for one reason or another, Michel over the course of many years kept getting pulled into further legal battles due to the state finding more and more “evidence” of his crime and therefore repeating the whole process over and over. Despite him being legally innocent, the state has remained extremely prescient to find him guilty of murder. Said persistence had not gone unnoticed by the masses, leaving many people to take interest in the case and therefore the person himself. The ones that are on the side of the government (although I am not quite sure why any sane person would voluntarily choose that side without threat of imminent death) have gone to such extreme lengths as to dox Michel and track him, going to great lengths to make his life a living hell right along with the government causing him to spend copious amounts of money on legal expenses to prove his continued innocence. I would not want that to happen to me. Which is why I would not suggest pushing my baby down the stairs, or anything that would allow a similar scenario to follow afterwards.

That is why, the method of murder that I would personally would be something so ridiculous, so cartoonish, that no one could reasonably think that it was a all a set up. The best thing to murder Ganyu, my lovely loving wife, would be for a “faulty” rope to fail right at the moment she is standing underneath what it holds, causing a large, heavy, expensive piano to fall right onto her cute little head, bludgeoning and killing her instantly due to traumatic brain damage and other various organs getting crushed or damaged in the process. Now, I noticed you started to gain a bit of a smirk due to the idea, which, don't worry, I fully understand. Not just because like I have mentioned various times before that this is not something I would ever think about actually doing, and I know that you know that I know you know that as well, but the act itself of a piano falling onto someone is such a played out cliché even I can see the humor in it, even if it does involve the death of my property. However, I do gain a tad bit of resentment due to the fact that unlike in many of the cartoons in which this wacky event occurs, Ganyu would not be left standing with piano keys in her mouth taking the place of her teeth and little stars and birds swirling around her head, but rather dead on the ground, a still warm, lifeless corpse, likely bloody, and disfigured. So I do wish that you wipe that smug look off of your face before I do it for you. You do realize you are experiencing happiness due to the proposed idea of my wife dead right? Do you understand? Good. Let me get into how all of this would be set up.

We already know what rope we plan to purchase, but now we need to figure out how we are going to make it snap at the exact time that Ganyu stands underneath it. It cannot be something so simple as to getting a piano that goes against the weight limit advised with the rope's warnings. No, that would leave the responsibility on Ganyu or I, and would be much less likely to cause the stock of the rope company to fall. It also cannot be something obviously noticeable like a cut in the rope as the investigators would be very likely to find that out. I believe the best scenario to make it as believable as possible would be to get a rope, and over time, slowly and delicately ware down one section the rope just enough to where you could accurately know not just that it will break, but also when it will break. The process of knowing when it will break is no easy task though. There would have to be many experiments done to get the timing down perfect. Of course, you will not be able to test with a full sized piano every time, because, come on, that is a little ridiculous, but you could test with something heavy that is easily replaceable. Perhaps a sturdy rock, or a large log. Of course, I would not do this in my own house. I would not want Ganyu to think something is up or get suspicious. Of course, that would be difficult anyways because I know that she loves me very much and is willing to do anything for me. Our love is strong and beautiful and I think that when most people see it they want to take a shotgun to the head knowing that they will never know such pleasures in life. But either way, I would not want any evidence to be left around the house involving my rope experiments. So, the best place and time to do this would be any woods or secluded area while Ganyu is busy lubing it up to create content for her dedicated fans. For an excuse of why you are leaving the house, you could include any number of inconspicuous reason including hanging out with your friends, getting called into work, or just doing some exercise or fresh air. I don't know about any relationships you have been in, or will get into, but I know the bond between Ganyu and myself, and I know she would be believe me one percent and would never think that I would be planning her death.

None the less, this testing step is crucial in knowing exactly when the rope is going to snap so that you can guarantee that the piano will fall at the right time. If it were to fall way too early that she is not even underneath it, then the plan is ruined. I would have to live my life living only off the income of her continued fans, while, which is estimated to be a large amount, is not equal to the amount I would get after the fraud, and I would still have to pay server hosting costs and maintenance to keep the site running. Not to mention that the short I placed on the rope company has a very high likelihood to be liquidated causing me to lose another sizable chunk of money that I would have to explain to Ganyu where it had gone, not like she has access to the bank account, but more on just her expecting the finer things in life that I usually provide her that I may have to slow down on if I were to hypothetical lose that much money so quickly. However, that is not even the worst case scenario to occur if you are incorrect at predicting to exact time for the rope's breakage. No, that would have to be if she was partially underneath it and it hit her, but only clipped her delicate body leaving her not dead, but likely paralyzed and very disfigured, and to most normal people (not myself as I would think she is beautiful no matter what form), extremely hideous and awful to look at. This would completely invalidate the the entire stream of revenue coming in from her fans. They might send some pity money her way, but as soon as the take site at her now disgusting body, they would unsubscribe from her almost instantly and remove all the income you were once raking in.

Not to mention the immense medical bills that would need to be payed to keep her in stable condition, and it would be very likely that they would keep coming for a very long period of time. Worst of all, I would likely no longer be able to make sweet, sweet love to her, to suck the goat milk out of her pillow breasts, or smash her down hard, doggy-style, due to likely horrible chronic back pains. It would also guilt me horribly that I was the one that had done this for her and instead of making a ludicrous amount of money, actually lost that amount. I would say it would be best in this scenario just to finish her off then and there, but there would likely be witnesses, (we will get to that later) and it would be very hard to pull off the murder in a way that does not make it obvious, so that is out of the picture. That is why it imperative that you do these tests frequently and accurately to properly be able to guarantee you know the exact time the rope will snap and how long it takes for the piano to fall so that she will be directly underneath it.

Now, you might be thinking now: “How do we get her to be directly underneath a heavy piano right when you need her to be?” Allow me to elaborate. If you were to plan something similar, you would want to express interest in learning the piano or keyboard (built it up to piano) much sooner than when you actually plan to execute the murder. I would say a good time frame would be right around the time you start creating the premium content website, or right after it's creation and once some amount of money starts coming in. That way, even if you start out not having enough money to buy a nice piano, you would quickly gain a decent amount of disposable income that you could easily convince your wife to spend on something you have proven you are super passionate about: learning the piano. I know Ganyu would whole-heartily support me in my endeavor to learn the piano and would not even think about questioning the purchase of a large piano, but if you were to ever have a wife and you wanted to think about doing this, I am not sure if would would have the same special connection. My advice to that would be to just simply remind her who the head of the house is. If she tries to talk about how she is the one making the most money now due to the porn, be sure to remind her who designed, coded, and maintains that website in which she is using to make her income and that you could take it offline at any given moment. But, for me, I would no have that problem. It is simply just a suggestion if you were to.

So with permission, you would go an get a large piano, just big and heavy enough to kill on impact. To make things less obvious after the fact, I would advise actually attempting to learn it. Play the music sometimes while she is around the house. If you don't want to actually put the effort in though, you could simply just play a recording of the song on a high quality speaker and place it next to piano and have it going while you pretend to play. You would have to make sure that your wife is not watching you play though as not to ruin the illusion. If she ever asks to watch you play a little song, you would promptly have to tell her that you get nervous when other people are observing you and she would have to leave the room for you to really get into it. Then as soon as she is gone, begin the recording so to prove that you do actually know how to play. She would likely go about and tell her friends about her husband's wonderful piano playing and now that the fact that you own and play a piano is known by other people, it is much less out of the blue that her death would involve one.

Now that the piano purchase plan is complete, you would have to figure out how to get her under the piano at the correct time. This is the big moment. The real crux of the entire plan, so it is critical to get this right. First, we have to have an excuse for even attaching the piano to the rope to begin with. Well, this is quite obvious. As soon as she gets a little taste of fame, she will think she is a celebrity (she always was to me), and will think she deserves to live better than how she previously resides in a somewhat small farm house (I agree). So, I would suggest to her that we get a nice place in the city. She is no longer fit for the menial and lowly life of a peasant, she is ready to move up in the world, to get a real house of status. A place where she could make infinite connections with other people of high status. A place that screams: “I am rich and important.” At this point in time, we obviously could not afford a giant mansion, you would promise her that soon. However, you would likely have just enough money from the simps afford a very luxurious condo on the top floor of a very nice place in the down-town of any large metropolis. Knowing my Ganyu, she would take any advise I give as gospel as she know I am always correct, but I know she would want it to, and the moving process would begin.

When choosing a condo to move into though, you will have to make absolutely sure that the building does not have a freight elevator or even a large enough elevator that could reasonably fit a piano. That would defeat the whole purpose. You would have to find a place where the only option to get a piano to such great heights would be to lift it up with a rope. Once you find the prefect condo for the job, you would apply, easily get accepted, and begin the moving process. You would not, however, would want to hire a moving company to aid the process. They would want to handle moving the piano, and that would make it much harder to get them to use the exact rope you have prepared without making things very suspicious. You would have to take the task of hoisting it yourself, and likely, since you are fairly rich, no one is really going to make a scene about it especially if you are already put the down payment for apartment, so you should be fine in doing so. You also are not eligible to be put on trial for manslaughter since at this point, if the calculations were done correctly and no other obvious actions implying that you tampered with the rope, then it breaking would be entirely the fault of the company who made it not could not be yours. It's the same as if a piece of a vehicle fails mid drive down the highway going 80mph. For example, if the breaks gave out causing a family to not be able to stop when a semi-truck merges into their lane in front of them causing them to run straight into the back of it, sucking their car underneath due to the ramp like nature of the small car's hood crushing each of them but the dad who is driving, then the dad would not be held responsible for manslaughter of his family in which that had died. The same likely applies for the truck driver it was able to be proven that the only reason in which this happened was due to the faulty breaks on the vehicle. That same logic would apply here as well.

Finally, on the day of the event, I would have to be very acutely aware of where Ganyu is at all times because you need her to be in the right spot and the right time. Luckily for me, like I mentioned before, she listens to everything I say, so If I told her to wait in one spot, to say, make sure the piano is rising correctly, or something else dumb any woman would believe, then she would do it. If you wife is not so obedient, that is you problem, kid. You could leave a stray comment in a document about committing life insurance fraud on her telling her to go outside and check for a surprise in which she would see a perfectly wrapped gift with the tag “For the love of my life, Ganyu, open this NOW!” on it right in the position of the piano, making the package wrapping just complex enough to leave her standing there taking the time to unwrap just long enough for the rope to snap and the piano fall, but I will not need to go to such lengths to get her to stand in one spot, fortunately. So, the moment has come. The piano is being hoisted, you already placed your short on the rope company, your wife is standing patiently right underneath it at the correct position, you are standing nearby (but not dangerously so). The piano would make it about one-forth of the way up the building until all the sudden... SNAP! The weak spot on the rope gives out, causing the piano to fall down at insane speeds due to its immense weight right onto her skull. You run over, seeing if she is truly dead. You check her pulse, or attempt to depending on the state of her corpse as other gather around you. You feel no beating. She is dead. Success.


Thankfully, most of the reasons of how to get away with the set-up of been covered in length, but in the heat of the moment, and everything that comes afterwards, it is very important to follow procedure carefully. Now, back to the moment you realize she is dead. Her heart is no longer beating and blood is no longer running through her veins, but rather into the concrete streets of the city. At this moment, after so much thought and planning, even though it resulted in the death of the love of my life, it would be very hard for me to hold back a bit of a grin, not due to the fact that Ganyu is dead, but rather more of something like euphoria that the plan actually worked. All of this build-up and it actually went according to plan! I did it! (Hypothetically). But, I would have to be strong and hold back that smile, because even the slightest break in character would create a never ending on-slew of doubt about it being an accident. As I mentioned before, there will likely be multiple witnesses , with even more arriving due to the peculiar (and a little bit comical) event that had just occurred. Outside of court, this is the most important time to keep cool. The best way to show that you are genuinely upset is to start crying. If you have never practiced being upset or crying like I have, you would likely want to do that during the coming days of the operation. Once you find out for sure she is dead you will want to burst out in a fit of tears. DO NOT OVER DO IT! But, attempt to make it believe able. Learn some method acting for this part and all the times you are questioned about it later. You really want to make yourself believe that it actually was not all worth it and that is how you would act. Of course, if my darling Ganyu was killed by a piano falling onto her, and I did not set it up for all of it to be worth it I would not need to pretend to start crying. It would be genuine tears. I would hope that if your wife did too and it was not set up that you would do the same. I know that you would. You don't have to reassure me. I completely understand. I trust you. To make it even more believe able at the scene of the crime, you would maybe even want to start trying to get the piano off of her. This is a completely irrational act because the piano would be so heavy you would not be able to move it, and you already know she is dead, but people tend to act irrational when events like this happen that they were not expecting, so that would just add a bit more flare for the witnesses to see that they could add to their reports of the crime and make it that much more likely that you did not see this coming at all.

After the initial death scene, the police should arrive quickly. From there, they will likely begin asking you question after you identify as being the husband. I would recommend being as genuine as possible and never make it clear that you are attempting to leave out any information. Give them as much info as they might want as long as it could not leave to you being compromised. You will likely have to lie for some of their questions, which is why you should make absolutely sure beforehand that you have no obvious tells. If you are unaware what a “tell” is, let me tell you (oh what humorous wordplay I am capable of). A tell is a term used when speaking about unconscious body language. Usually, it refers to a certain action, or way of speaking, that someone does when they are lying. Something like tapping their foot, breaking eye contact, or their voice getting a little bit higher. These are all tells. I would practice before hand talking to your wife and lying to her and attempting to see how you react when you do. For example, if Ganyu were to ask me what outfit she was wearing looked better, I would intentionally chose the one that I thought made her look dirty and hag-like (not that there are many that do mind you), and as bared saying it, I would check to see if I had done any kind of subconscious actions. I am aware that taking time to observe yourself in these scenarios might be counter-intuitive and defeat the purpose as you might consciously do or not do something you would do before that you would were not looking for it. However, there are not a whole lot of options as getting better at lying if you don't want anyone to know that you are doing so. This is why as many test runs as possible would be best. I would lie to Ganyu multiple times a day just to see if I could sus out any kind of tells that I might posses, as much as it would pain me to lie caring and wonderful wife, I'm sure she would understand.

Once get through the immediate police interview, you would want to make sure to talk to as many press members as possible and blame the rope as the issue making sure to mention the name of the company multiple times, like I mentioned in step 2. That is only the first step of getting the wider news to cover the incident and shift the entire outrage to the rope company, but as stated before, that was covered in step 2. After the police though comes the big boys: the court. If all things were done correctly they should not find any evidence to of you having any wrong doing. That is not the main concern, but we know that when someone's wife dies, the public often is very rabid in going after the husband. They want the truth to be that he was the one responsible for her death. Even if there is no evidence to convict him, they will try very hard. That is another reason why learning how to act is very important, but you also will not want to leave it up to the state to pick your attorney. Now, for you, I do not know who you trust enough to hire, but you would want to get someone that you absolutely believe would never slight you or do an awful job and defending you. The worse defense attorneys could accidentally create evidence against you if they are bad enough. However, I know exactly who I would pick. My main man, my home slice, the man I trust the most: the honorable defense attorney Yenfei. Of course, I would not tell him about the plan, but I know that he would trust me when I tell him it is all an accident. It hurts, but I would have to lie to him as well. There must be zero people that know the truther other than yourself. But Yenfei knows his way around the law, and with basically zero evidence they could find going against me, I would have very strong confidence that he would be able to relay that to the court system and convince the jury accordingly, as much to the state's dismay. As long as you keep up the act, and don't crack quick smile during the trial everything should work according to plan. I know it would be hard, but they have cameras that would even catch the quickest of grins or giggles.

The final step is to get through the funeral without cracking up. That should not be that hard though as it will be open-casket, despite the state of her corpse (it's what she wanted), because the glimpse of her corpse should not be a funny sight and would actually make me sad. I am telling the truth. I know you believe me. I don't think it is hard for you to think that I would not be upset at the corpse of me once-loving wife. I would prepare a beautiful speech. I would give it to all of mine and her friends and love ones. I would not laugh during it. I would cry and actually mean it. During the speech given by her parents, I would not get the message on my phone telling me that short on the rope company went through and the immense amount of money was transferred to my bank account and I would not immediately let out a huge laugh and start doing a little dance. I would sit CAMLY and SERIOUSLY and be completely normal during the funeral. I would maintain my composure the entire time. I would not do anything out of line. I would NOT have urges to push the casket over onto the ground while everyone is eating a piece of funeral pie and watch in glee as her corpse rolls down the grassy funeral hills. I would not kick over the grave stone and piss on it as her relatives watch in shock and horror while they can do nothing to stop me because I sneaked a small concealable gun into the funeral that if they tried to stop me I should shoot in the air to threaten them to back away. I would not do anything of that sort because that would ruin the WHOLE plan, all of this planning would be WORTHLESSS if I did ant of those crazy acts during the funeral and I am really, really confused that you would even consider the fact. You are a psychopath for thinking ANY of that stuff is possible. You are mentally insane and I don't know how much I want to hang out with you any longer if you are going to continue to bring up such weird and untrue things. It would be a normal funeral, and it would likely wrap up the whole plan.

Now, with the money in my account from the short, Ganyu successfully being buried in the ground, and my amazing defense attorney getting me found innocent on any and all accounts, I would be happy, but not yet content. No, not yet. Not until I get my money from the insurer, to complete the life insurance fraud, and make it all worth it in the end. At this moment in time, the insurer might be thinking that in your emotional state, you might have not even thought about coming into to receive your rightfully earned money. But, oh, how the joke is on him. I would walk into the office wearing my absolute best attire, still keeping a sad stature, as much as I would like to be extremely smug, and even though the case has been finished, you never know what length those disgusting creatures as the insurance agency might go to if they assume that something might be crooked with the situation. So I would be as professional as ever, showing little emotion, walking in knowing that I am going to likely take the majority of the insurance companies money, leaving them in very hard financial times, likely even putting them in bankruptcy. They never would have assumed that my normal goat wife Ganyu would have become such a prolific money earner for the family, but, oh, how wrong they were, and the life insurance policy contract was long sense signed. They would likely immediately know who I was when I walked in. We would both be waiting for this moment, but having completely different emotions planned for when it actually did happen. There is nothing left that they could do at this moment to stop me. I would speak with one of their agents, show them all the papers necessary, sign what I needed, and they would be forced by law to give me extreme sum of money that the death of my wife guarantees. The moment I get it, I would do everything possible to hold back a smile much like they would holding back tears. I would slowly take it from their trembling hands and put it into my wallet. I could only imagine the feeling would be almost orgasmic. I would go directly to the nearest bank I am with, cash the check, and patiently wait for it to be added to my account- living it up already with the money I still had from all her little subscribers and the rope company short. Assuming you would do the same, once you are alone in your new high-class condo with a view of the whole city below, a new piano placed against the living room wall, you would check your bank balance, see the copious amount of money finally added to it, and, finally, be able to smile, now that you are all alone with the money secured, and finally, now, you would let out a long drawn-out laugh as loud as you wanted. The mission had been accomplished. Congratulations, you have successfully committed life insurance fraud, and it was all worth it in the end.